A new chapter

I thought it was about time I created a brand new space to share my works in progress, interests and thoughts. Having been a big fan of Instagram over the years it's not somewhere I enjoy spending time any more and truthfully, I don't even like sharing my own work on there amidst the ads and clickbait. It saddens me that a once thriving and welcoming community of fellow artists and makers (I joined back in 2014) who managed to create a truly nurturing place where everyone supported one another and happily shared their work, has fallen apart due to algorithms.

So I'm going back to blogging... somewhere quiet I can visit as frequently as I like, away from the pressures of social media.

Aside from the irritations of algorithms, my own life has changed considerably over the last 12 months, so wiping the slate clean in that sense also feels very freeing. I've realised what parts of myself have been neglected over the last few years and the one that hurts the most is my art. I haven't created properly for such a long time now; there was always something getting in the way... the biggest obstacle was the constant pressure of house renovations, which brought with it a never ending to-do list. During that time I was trying to cope with overwhelming grief, keep on top of my beloved (but monstrous) garden and run a household, all whilst working full time. 

Most of us become so conditioned to living alongside stress that we don’t notice when we’ve slipped into survival mode. For me, day-to-day tasks became a huge weight which manifested as exhaustion and eventual burn out.

It had been a difficult few years since 2020, but at the time I didn't make the connection because my life wasn't particularly stressful. And yet each day I would wake up feeling worn out and on edge. At the centre of all this was my relationship... which I now realise was making me very ill. I suffered with fatigue, picked up virus after virus, my hair fell out, I had painful acne around my jawline, gut issues, crippling headaches and my immune system was non-existent. I even developed a mystery condition where my fingers became so swollen and painful that I couldn't grip or even hold cutlery. I told various healthcare professionals that the swelling seemed to flare up randomly, and no one was able to treat me or get to the bottom of what was causing this debilitating problem. 

I now know that my body only reacts in this way when I’m immensely stressed, and all of these conditions had developed since I had been in my relationship.

I wasn’t able to connect the dots while it was happening, but I now see all these symptoms for what they really were - stress responses. My body was crying out that I was unsafe, but these cries were suppressed and never heard amidst the chaos. What I endured in that relationship, not to mention the hell of a prolonged separation, took a huge toll on my health and the resulting trauma still resides within my body.

It takes time to recover from such experiences, but I consider myself lucky that I woke up from the nightmare and was able to get away from a very harmful situation. I'm able to hear my body now, when it tells me I’m unsafe. It also communicates very clearly when I’m in a stressed state because my capacity to create (or do anything at all) diminishes completely. Creating is what I love; it's such a major part of my identity and wellbeing, and the torment of my former life robbed me of that.

As I continue to heal, my creativity is gradually returning and I’m beyond grateful to finally feel like myself again. Chunks of clay and my trusty paint brushes have found their way back into my hands once more, and it's as though I'm discovering the joy of creativity for the first time all over again.

So here's to a new chapter. A chapter of peace, softness and feeling safe.